i am better off without her (i gave to the wrong ‘her’)

i am better off without her

he is telling the truth

before i met her, i was happier

yes, true, although it doesn’t take much
to be happier than he is now

i was married and lived
with my family in a nice
house and not alone in
a tiny apartment 

i weighed twenty pounds less
and had thicker hair and
and friends.

he is telling the truth

our relationship started as an affair

true

and she was never going to be willing
to introduce me to her world

sadly, true

we loved each other fiercely
and both perfectly and imperfectly
and we hurt each other a lot
and at times both crept
towards the edge of suicidal

true

i am better off without her
i am less anxious i no longer
await learning that she’s left me again
since she is gone and i have made a
commitment to myself and my daughter
not to contact her again because
my life is in ruins because i gave
to the wrong ‘her.’

true

i still think of her every day
nearly every hour and the quiet almost gentle
rage 
and envy and sadness built inside of me

all of these are equaled and surpassed
by how much i love her, still. 

and probably always will
even if i never ever act like it
again

he writes from his bed at 2 am
telling very much the truth.

i’m lonely and eating chips alone

i made an online dating profile last night
the photos i selected are the ones you’ll find below
as one can see, i straddled the line of
vanity and family man rather
aggressively and anyway
as i was looking through my
photos through my entire
library
the farther back i went

i noticed something
i noticed that there were photos
of me taken by people
who were and are not me.

why is this a big deal
because i used to have friends.

and it’s been so long since i had friends
that i’d forgotten what i look like
in a picture where both of my hands
are visible and/or one isn’t holding
a camera phone aimed back at me or

my reflection.

 

see?

. . . ok, yeah, so maybe i like the fair
get over it, the biscuits are
one fucking dollar and wow
i used to have hair
and yes this is a sad post but i did
purposefully use two mirror poses
because i thought it was funny.

i miss having friends.

being handsome and strong
and having nice arms and good teeth
and smart and creative isn’t very fun

alone.

i lost my friends because undiagnosed anxiety and depression
and adhd that was worse than i realized
kept me from getting authentically close to
well almost anyone

and that combined with the choices i made
ended up with me alone on friday nights
wondering what everyone else is doing.

typed shirtless on my porch

i need to water my marigold. often i forget to do so.

i don’t have a watering can, so i use large pink plastic cups that scarlett picked out at the dollar store.

my freckles show up in the sun.

i hope no one gets shot, today.

i keep hearing scarlett’s laughter in my head from yesterday when i played with her on the swings.

her laugh is sharp and voluminous and wonderfully unending. her blue eyes wide and sweet

i hope no scarlett’s lose their mommies or daddies, today. and i hope more people get to hear laughter

sweet and genuine and as-of-yet untouched by malice

than sirens and oh god whys