the watched pot theory

perhaps one of the most surprising truths of this world, and one i apparently refuse to learn, is the near-impossibility to find what it is i actively seek.

the whole ‘a watched pot never boils’ idea (which is a lie.  it just takes a while and makes me really antsy), ya know?

i’m a pro when it comes to finding four-leaf clovers.  come spring, when the most charming of weeds creeps over the sidewalk in my front yard, it’s nearly impossible for me to walk outside for more than a few minutes without seeing one.

but the thing is,

i see them when i don’t mean to.  i’ll casually look down mid-conversation or mid-stride and spot a four-leaf clover, snatch it up, present it most properly to my sweet wife, who will then casually ball it up and drop it the moment i forget i handed it to her.

if i go looking for four-leaf clovers, however,

i cannot find them. Continue reading

for scarlet(t)

he paused, choosing his words carefully.

she stood just behind him, fighting the urge to lean forward expectantly on tiptoe.

his hands opened and closed absently at his sides.

she waited.

they stood under an arch near a bench between two hedges parading as walls.

sun painted them in light and welcome shadow of trees and life and other things.

he paused within the pause, an almost impossible stillness before motion that only she could recognize as his.  her heels did not touch the ground.

‘until every star, the ones we see and the ones too far, looses breath and passes slowly on into the dark.’

‘. . . that’s a very long time.’

‘i know.’

bully foods

you know who you are, bully foods. posturing behind the hipster movement, using skinny-but-still-oddly-out-of-shape mustache wearers to further your cause. Resting comfortably next to a PBR and local, grass-fed beef on cookout picnic tables.

i am not fooled.

bacon.

goat cheese.

get out of my non-bacon and non-goat cheese foods.

i’m not sure exactly when it happened, but this bacon thing has got to stop.  i don’t need bacon wrapped around my cheerios.  i don’t need bacon on my grilled cheese.  i don’t need bacon wrapped around my steak and then wrapped around my bacon-wrapped steak.

and goat cheese.

get out of my ice cream.  get out of my nightmares.  i’ll eat you when i want goat cheese, not when i want to keep my food down.

* * *

the problem with bullies – especially food bullies who need empowerment – is determining the responsible/guilty party.

is it the foods themselves?

or is it those introducing these foods, these invasive species, to foreign environments?

to the gentlemen who make youtube videos about eating pounds of bacon wrapped around *insert other meat here* – i need you to really think about the responsibilities that rest at your almost certainly toms-wearing-feet.

to whomever thought it a good idea to put goat cheese in anyone’s mouth ever – i lay the same challenge to you.

think about the people who want to choose to enjoy bacon.  think of us poor souls who want to go to a good southern cookout or wedding reception and not race past seersucker to find the nearest can of paint thinner, so we can cleanse our palates of goat cheese anything.

think about us.  people who want to keep the magic of some bacon and no goat cheese.

think about us when pulling up youtube videos on an iphone in a leather case, claiming ‘you have to see how they make bacon/goat cheese/ruin western civilization in this video!’

think about the children.

think about the depths of the oceans.

think about how boring baseball is.

just think about it.

-joel