bully foods

you know who you are, bully foods. posturing behind the hipster movement, using skinny-but-still-oddly-out-of-shape mustache wearers to further your cause. Resting comfortably next to a PBR and local, grass-fed beef on cookout picnic tables.

i am not fooled.


goat cheese.

get out of my non-bacon and non-goat cheese foods.

i’m not sure exactly when it happened, but this bacon thing has got to stop.  i don’t need bacon wrapped around my cheerios.  i don’t need bacon on my grilled cheese.  i don’t need bacon wrapped around my steak and then wrapped around my bacon-wrapped steak.

and goat cheese.

get out of my ice cream.  get out of my nightmares.  i’ll eat you when i want goat cheese, not when i want to keep my food down.

* * *

the problem with bullies – especially food bullies who need empowerment – is determining the responsible/guilty party.

is it the foods themselves?

or is it those introducing these foods, these invasive species, to foreign environments?

to the gentlemen who make youtube videos about eating pounds of bacon wrapped around *insert other meat here* – i need you to really think about the responsibilities that rest at your almost certainly toms-wearing-feet.

to whomever thought it a good idea to put goat cheese in anyone’s mouth ever – i lay the same challenge to you.

think about the people who want to choose to enjoy bacon.  think of us poor souls who want to go to a good southern cookout or wedding reception and not race past seersucker to find the nearest can of paint thinner, so we can cleanse our palates of goat cheese anything.

think about us.  people who want to keep the magic of some bacon and no goat cheese.

think about us when pulling up youtube videos on an iphone in a leather case, claiming ‘you have to see how they make bacon/goat cheese/ruin western civilization in this video!’

think about the children.

think about the depths of the oceans.

think about how boring baseball is.

just think about it.


One thought on “bully foods

  1. I’ll be the voice of reason in this otherwise insane post. Grilled cheese with bacon is amazing. Filet wrapped in bacon is also amazing. You sir, are missing out.

    Goat cheese needs to get its shit together though.

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