i am getting better

this struck me in the shower:

i’ve always gotten so frustrated
with myself
angry sad sometimes
a little self-loathing
because
the question i would ask
and use to weigh my worth was

‘am i better yet’

and ‘better’ could mean
anything have i
lost enough weight so
that i feel sexy shirtless
is this relationship perfect if not
how can i make it be
(such dangerous relational verbal 
mentality, ‘make’ 
instead of ‘help’ or ‘serve’) 
can i dunk emphatically
have i gotten hired
does she like me
have i done everything
perfectly today
am i better
is a question that can
only ever be answered
‘no.’
and if that is all i ask myself
and all i see within is
‘no’
‘no i am not better’
well, i’m not gonna feel good
and it’s quite likely
i will tank entirely since
i’m not better why even try
so
what struck me in the shower
was
realizing i’ve begun rewording
the question as
‘am i getting better’
and the answer to that is
almost always ‘yes.’

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