i’m lonely and eating chips alone

i made an online dating profile last night
the photos i selected are the ones you’ll find below
as one can see, i straddled the line of
vanity and family man rather
aggressively and anyway
as i was looking through my
photos through my entire
library
the farther back i went

i noticed something
i noticed that there were photos
of me taken by people
who were and are not me.

why is this a big deal
because i used to have friends.

and it’s been so long since i had friends
that i’d forgotten what i look like
in a picture where both of my hands
are visible and/or one isn’t holding
a camera phone aimed back at me or

my reflection.

 

see?

. . . ok, yeah, so maybe i like the fair
get over it, the biscuits are
one fucking dollar and wow
i used to have hair
and yes this is a sad post but i did
purposefully use two mirror poses
because i thought it was funny.

i miss having friends.

being handsome and strong
and having nice arms and good teeth
and smart and creative isn’t very fun

alone.

i lost my friends because undiagnosed anxiety and depression
and adhd that was worse than i realized
kept me from getting authentically close to
well almost anyone

and that combined with the choices i made
ended up with me alone on friday nights
wondering what everyone else is doing.

typed shirtless on my porch

i need to water my marigold. often i forget to do so.

i don’t have a watering can, so i use large pink plastic cups that scarlett picked out at the dollar store.

my freckles show up in the sun.

i hope no one gets shot, today.

i keep hearing scarlett’s laughter in my head from yesterday when i played with her on the swings.

her laugh is sharp and voluminous and wonderfully unending. her blue eyes wide and sweet

i hope no scarlett’s lose their mommies or daddies, today. and i hope more people get to hear laughter

sweet and genuine and as-of-yet untouched by malice

than sirens and oh god whys