like i dunno maybe just go frisbee golfing or something instead

have you ever gone to a white nationalist rally and later found your face plastered all over social media? have you ever lost your job, friends and family, or enrollment in college because pictures of you showed up on one too many news feeds?

black and white footage of man closing his closet of swastika ladened regalia. He turns to see wife/mom/girlfriend/employer holding tablet/smartphone with a picture of the same man holding a torch. 

man breaks fourth wall by making knowing look to the camera and solemnly nodding

well do i have a solution for you!

shot goes to color, man’s face beams with anticipation

if you’re one of the hundreds of men facing the unfortunate circumstances of being doxxed

fine print appears at bottom of screen: doxxed – Having private information or identification published publicly, which is totally fine when we publish the home addresses of Jews in the media but really seems unfair when it happens to nazis/klan members 

for attending a white nationalist rally, there’s an easy and permanent solution so that you never have to worry about finding another job as a social pariah or explaining to those in your community ‘i’m not racist, i’m prideful.’

bright, colorful footage of healthy white men doing normal things like tying their shoes, walking into office buildings, sitting on park benches, not getting pulled over for minor traffic offenses, accompanied by uplifting soft-rock

you can avoid doxxing with one easy step!

  1. don’t be a god dammed idiot racist and don’t go to fucking white nationalist rallies, you dumb fucks, good god what is wrong with you people

and, for following step number one, i’ll even throw in a bonus step at no extra cost!

2.  furreal, y’all, let’s think about how much harder you have to work to be in a situation where you can be doxxed as opposed to not being doxxed:

  • you have to be a white nationalist
  • you have to find a rally to attend
  • you have to plan transportation. am i driving? should i rent a car? carpool? bus? train? ahhhh, shit, i should have planned this earlier – airfare is crazy expensive right now!
  • you have to do laundry and pack shit. like seriously, you have to get a suitcase out of your attic or closet and make sure you’ve got all of your toiletries and did i bring contact solution god dammit i forgot ugh i’ll just get some at a cvs on the way toothbrush any medications you’re taking all of that hair gel for your nazi hairdo and your laptop your laptop charger your phone charger and mother fucker i forgot a wall adapter for the usb i’ll also get that at cvs
  • you gotta figure out lodging. you have to take the time to look up hotel rooms and compare prices and like seriously on the way to your nazi sleepover you have to decide do i want the room with two queen beds or the king and a sleeper i dunno wilhelm do you feel ok on the sleeper or should we get two queen beds
  • you have to get someone to dog sit
  • you have to take the time to actually travel to the rally and meet up with your friends and probably get something to eat because you’re hungry
  • you have to attend the rally and carry a tiki torch and be kinda close to the front of the march
  • you have to attend the daytime rally and march down the streets with other nazis and klansfolk

seriously,

do you see how much work you actually had to put into being in a situation where your idiot face could end up in your boss’s facebook feed? or for people to want to figure out who you are and contact literally any responsible adult within your sphere of existence?

just don’t be racist idiots.

just stay home. take up quilting. volunteer somewhere. try a bunch of different donut shops and then compare your experience with that of others.

just don’t be racist idiots.

 

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