i’m lonely and eating chips alone

i made an online dating profile last night
the photos i selected are the ones you’ll find below
as one can see, i straddled the line of
vanity and family man rather
aggressively and anyway
as i was looking through my
photos through my entire
library
the farther back i went

i noticed something
i noticed that there were photos
of me taken by people
who were and are not me.

why is this a big deal
because i used to have friends.

and it’s been so long since i had friends
that i’d forgotten what i look like
in a picture where both of my hands
are visible and/or one isn’t holding
a camera phone aimed back at me or

my reflection.

 

see?

. . . ok, yeah, so maybe i like the fair
get over it, the biscuits are
one fucking dollar and wow
i used to have hair
and yes this is a sad post but i did
purposefully use two mirror poses
because i thought it was funny.

i miss having friends.

being handsome and strong
and having nice arms and good teeth
and smart and creative isn’t very fun

alone.

i lost my friends because undiagnosed anxiety and depression
and adhd that was worse than i realized
kept me from getting authentically close to
well almost anyone

and that combined with the choices i made
ended up with me alone on friday nights
wondering what everyone else is doing.

a house i would build for you

if i were to build you a house,

assuming i had the skill,

the resources,

the patience,

the time

to build for you a house with my own hands,

i would include a tower made of stone standing ten stories tall.

the tower room would have windows roof to floor, a ceiling made of glass to usher in the stars for you,

and a zip line without a harness because f*** it, we’re not playing around, here,

that would bring you to the breakfast table in the mornings as i wait and do the crossword and do my best not to eat your biscuit as it grows cold and your glass of orange juice, condensation on her brow, quietly shakes her head and thinks we’re a little silly.